The new normal

A week or so after the decision (yes, it felt huge enough at the time that I feel the need to title it), and I’m feeling pretty good.  My schedule is manageable, even as I prepare for the defense.  I’m feeling a lot more relaxed about teaching.  And, joy of all joys, I have a bit of time for myself, which is quite the relief after a few months of working almost every day for up to 14 hours at a time.  I’m getting a bit of extra sleep, some extra exercise, and my eating has improved.  While I still feel a little odd the I refused the course at times – especially when I find myself hoping that I’ll have an extra one or two to teach next year – overall, I’m feeling good.  Really good, even.

The truly odd thing, though, is that I suddenly feel as if I have a lot more time than I did even a week ago.  Nothing has changed except my perspective, but I feel lighter, happier, and more ready to carry out my responsibilities.  Now, I still have a good bit to do, of course, but the lifted weight of an intense and new-to-me course – even one that I was never even responsible for – has made everything feel that much better.  I seem to be far more productive, I’m on top of my work, and I’m enjoying the time off that I do have far more than I have in a long while now.

Heck, for some reason I even seem to be spending less.  I don’t know if it’s the increased productivity, greater relaxation, less need to feel like I’ve “escaped” a bit, or the perceived loss of income, but I’ve been out to the thrift stores fewer times than I’d normally indulge in, and I’ve been spending less when I have been out – at most, a book here and there.  Honestly, the feeling of relief is wonderful.  Everything feels lighter and better.  Heck even the weight of finances has lifted a bit as I look – really look, almost for the first time it seems – at how little we really need to live on.  I’d like to make a bit more for security – it was part of the appeal of taking the course on, after all – but all in all, we’re doing just fine, and the trade of a bit less money for feeling this good seems very small after the fact.

Decisions, decisions…

At the beginning of this week, I was contacted by a friend of mine.  She had been offered a full time job, and needed to find someone to take over one of her courses.  Did I want it?

I hemmed and I hawed.  The money from another course would make our living situation a lot more comfortable.  Another course on my CV would show a bit more breadth.  It’s an interesting course, and one that I think I could do some interesting things with.  This year it becomes a permanent faculty course, which would mean I’d also be likely to have first shot at it next year, which would give me another course that I could teach, and some more money coming in on a possibly more consistent basis.

I said no.

And I’ll tell you why (and probably remind myself why as well, while I’m at it).

This semester, I’m already stretched thin.  I have my own course to teach, and I’ve revamped it this year with 75 percent new readings, which means a lot that needs to be changed.  I have a research assistant position that I’m working on – it pays less, and doesn’t run as long, but I can’t back out of it now, and we have an awful lot to do this semester.  Plus, the research experience is actually really great.  I’m guest editing a special issue of a journal, which takes up some time and is rather like trying to herd cats.  And, most importantly, I have a dissertation defense in a month, and although I have no interest in over-preparing, I need to feel prepared and like I’m on top of things until the magic date.

As much as I would like another course, it would mean pretty much no time for everything else.  The course is already set, and it’s not a topic I usually teach, so I’d need to learn all of the material, which is time consuming, and it’s structured differently than how I usually run my courses.  I can’t imagine it taking a brief amount of time, especially given my perfectionist tendencies when it comes to teaching and wanting to offer really good courses to my students.

I also had plans to work on my health this semester.  I am, quite frankly, exhausted.  More work is not going to improve that, especially in the next month as I work on defense preparation.  I need some more sleep, and some down time, and to eat better, and some extra exercise.  Plus the hour a day of physio that I’m supposed to be doing.  I’m not sure that will happen with an extra course, especially since I already work full days and have a hard enough time fitting in some of this stuff to the degree that I want. I also want some more time with my husband, who has graciously sacrificed rather a lot of time with me to get the dissertation done, especially in the last six months.

Finally, I also want to focus on improving my chances of getting a full-time job.  I could afford to go to a few conferences, and work on some more publishing and article-writing.  This probably won’t happen with another teaching job, and it seems prudent right now to give up a bit of extra money now – especially when we’re fine with what I make, even if things are a bit tight – in order to focus on really boosting my chances of getting something good later.

If you had told me a few weeks ago that I would be offered an extra course and refuse it, I probably would have laughed at you.  Heck, I still have the odd moment of wondering if I did the right thing.  But in the days of decision making, I was unhappy, and generally feeling terrible about having to decide what to do, which is probably a good sign that it was a bad idea.  Plus, everyone other than my friend and my supervisor (who was in charge of finding the replacement) also thought it was not the best idea, and that at the very least, focusing on the defense so that I’d be prepared for it going in and happy with how it went when I came out should be my top priority.  There’s no sense in spending six years working on something like this and then giving up or slacking off in the final month.

It’s at least a bit of a sacrifice, I know, and I can’t say that it wasn’t a hard decision in a lot of ways.  But sometimes there are things that outweigh money, and that are worth considering when making a decision like this.  Of course, it’s always possible that this could come back to bite me somehow (and yes, I’ve probably imagined every one of those ways by now), but overall, I feel good about my decisions, and about my chances of getting through this semester feeling a good deal better than I do now, with stronger relationships and a much improved CV.  While a difficult decisions, I think it’s a fair trade overall.

Catching up

With the dissertation finally submitted, every good intention I had of cleaning the apartment, starting to do yoga, cooking and baking, and just generally getting back on track fell to the wayside as I fell into bed, sleep deprived and sick, for three days.  On the up side, if nothing else, I’m a bit more caught up on sleep.

I now have a paper to work on and a course to prep, but things are starting to feel a bit more normal.  I still have a defense to complete, with a good deal of work leading up to that, but the writing’s done, and it feels as though a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders – for the time being, anyway.  There’s still tonnes to do – I have research assistant work to get back to, a journal to edit, and all the other stuff that comes with academic jobs, but it’s been nice to feel like I don’t have to be writing a dissertation in addition to all of these things, which has been a constant for the past few years.

Now that I’m feeling a bit better, though, it’s been time to ease into the new year.  I’ve been stretching, saw my massage therapist today, and took my recommended post-massage bath.  I’ve been cooking more, and other than a bit of an ice cream splurge, we’ve been eating healthier and cheaper, which feels really good.  Work’s been getting done at a much more manageable pace than I’ve been working at for the last semester, if not longer.  I’ve been able to take a bit more time off without constantly feeling like I should be working instead.

Basically, I feel somewhat more human again, and I’m really enjoying it.  Somewhere, in all of the work and the push to finish, there are some things that I think I lost sight of a bit, and suddenly they’re coming a bit more back into view.  I have more time to devote to the things that I care about, and the things that make me feel more normal and settled and healthy.  Now, if only I could convince myself to sleep solidly through the night a bit more often…

Everday I’m writing…

…just not here.

Because I have a dissertation and two book chapters and a co-authored paper plus a whole pile of other sundry papers in various stages of completion.  Beyond that, there are also course materials and job applications to write.  And, after a day of writing, sometimes writing anything more is impossible because there’s nothing left to say or all I want is dinner or I’ve forgotten how to spell words like compliment and satisfactory even though I knew them this morning.

That said, progress is good.  Things are getting done on the home and the work front.  I’m still living as sustainably as I did before, although I haven’t been pushing forward.  I’m doing the riot for austerity again this year, although I have yet to work out the numbers so I’m just trying to keep everything as low as possible.  I’m keeping my stuff together, although sometimes it feels like everything might come crashing down in a spectacular, paper-filled mess.

I just tell myself I’ll be back soon, and that it’s all part of the fun.

 

What the universe says, goes

Sometimes, somehow, I feel like the universe is sending me signs.  Mostly this happens when there’s something that I know I should do, but that I most definitely do not want to for this, that, or the other reason.

The signs of late have been to slow down.  I, of course, of have done nothing of the sort.  She-who-must-do-any-and-all-things cannot take the hint that it might be time to rest and focus and take things a bit more slowly.

This time last year I was geared up for all the work I could handle.  Come hell or high water I would teach and, on top of that, write papers, do research, finish the dissertation, apply for jobs, and generally get my academic life in order. It took being assigned only two courses for next year (more than some, though, and just enough to live on, as best I can tell) for me to clue in that perhaps, after many years of work and school, that I could use a bit of time to take things easy and to not to everything under the sun.

At the beginning of the summer I was ready to take on the dissertation plus a bit of research work (an improvement over my earlier plans which also included more paper writing, research, and an extra job or two) on top of gardening and getting into significantly better shape.  While I should have known from the outset that this was still too much to do when facing down a dissertation, it’s taken a possible stress fracture in my hip (hypothesized first a few weeks ago by my family doctor and again yesterday during my appointment at the sports medicine centre) to get me to slow down and take it a bit easier on the physical front, which it turns out is also good for the academic work.

Of course, I don’t know that the universe is in fact speaking to me, although I’ve certainly heard many stories far stranger than the odd helpful hint falling out of the ether.  But in those moments, the ones where something suddenly happens and things click and I breathe in and say, “ahhh…I get it” I feel like I’ve discovered something that I knew all along but was too blind to see.

By rights, I really should have realised awhile ago that I needed to slow down a little, prioritize things, and really focus in on what’s most important for the time being.  I’ve been tired a lot, ready for naps at a moment’s notice.  I’ve been trying to fit too much into the schedule, and trying to fit in things that just don’t seem to want to fit in the way that a square peg is awfully difficult to force into a round hole.  So now I’m trying to take the hint.  No extra work.  Lay off on the harder physical stuff.  Rest.  Sleep.  Do things that don’t hurt.  (Damn, how stupid does that sound when it’s actually written out?)

Too bad it takes the equivalent of a two by four to the skull for me to clue in sometimes.

Returning

A busy few weeks, I find, are usually followed by a bit of a lull.  Today is one of those days.  I hope very much that tomorrow can be too, at least for a part of the day, because I seem to be wiped.

I’ve been dissertating, as it were.  Slowly but surely.  Some research assistant work has taken time as well, as has general academic things like revising papers (which is always so much more of a slog than I think it will be) and sending emails. I spent a week towards the end of June making use of a week-long car loan from a good friend by running here and there and stocking up on things that I needed but are somewhat more difficult to get without a vehicle, but more on that soon, I imagine. A visit from my mother-in-law was preceded by a week and change of general tidying and cleaning, and then the visit itself was absolutely lovely (my mother-in-law and I get along fabulously) if quite tiring. Barring the dissertation and upcoming revisions on one paper, I’ve done most of what’s needed to be done recently, and now I hope there’s a bit of rest to be had.  The apartment is tidy, the new Internet set up and functional, the fridge full, the work more or less under control.

I’ve missed writing here, but more than that I’ve missed having the time and the inclination to think and plan as much as I usually do about how I’m living my life right now and what I want to do next.  It’s so easy to do, but I find that when I get busy some things fall to the wayside.  Sleep.  Healthy eating.  Exercise.  Enough downtime.  Writing, reading, and knitting.  Cooking and baking.  Getting outside and into the world.  Living more intentionally and sustainably.  Sometimes these things happen, of course, and I know that they’ll happen again just as they always do, but it’s always unsettling when then do and then it takes a while to swing back to being on track again.

Getting back on track is now the project du jour.  It won’t happen overnight but truthfully, I think that I’m probably nowhere near as far off as it feels right now through the haze of disrupted schedule, unhealthy eating, not enough sleep, and the resoundingly hollow feeling that takes over right after much-loved guests leave.  There’s always much to do, though, and I look forward to getting some bread and sprouts going, checking on the worms, cooking some dinner, and maybe even sneaking a bit of jam making somewhere along the line.  With any luck, I’ll even find a bit of time in there for reading, oh joy of joys.

Bytes and breeds

By day, I research and teach about digital thing – bits and bytes and their effects on how we live our lives and interact with each other.

By night, I read blogs on urban homesteading, avidly research about sheep breeds, make my own pickles, and grow basil in my apartment window.

It feels like there’s a divide here, a significant split, possibly even a rift, between the two.  I’m trying to reconcile these things, trying to find tenuous links and possible projects and things that will let me stand not with my feet in two different worlds, but in one slightly messy combined one.  I have virtually no idea how, though, although it’s something I find myself thinking about a lot more these days, especially after another session flipping through the hatchery catalogue that sits on the coffee table.

I certainly think there’s room in this digital age to have both.  The Greenhorns blog recently posted about a course on using smartphones on farms.  The Internet has provided the space to question trademarks, raise questions about organics, and connect with similar minded folks.  I am endlessly impressed with the blogs and websites that I find that make hands-on, highly material work that is grounded in..well, the ground accessible to anyone, anywhere with Internet access.  I use digital resources to work and plan and figure things out for myself, to connect with other people, to make a record of what I’m doing.

But in my own life, I still feel like there’s a divide.  I suppose part of it is that I’m highly focused on finishing my dissertation, the one big project that needs to be completed and is about as far removed from any kind of material existence as can be imagined.  My hope, though, is that when this is done, when the light at the end of the tunnel has proven itself to actually be the light at the end of the tunnel and not a train that’s barreling down on me, that I can start to work even more on combining some of these things that are near and dear to me into my research and my life, and building better, stronger links between this academic life that I lead and these other things that I very much want for myself now, and in the future.  I’ve done (and continue to do) as much as I can, but there’s a great deal else yet to do.  It will be quite the project, I imagine, but I’m looking forward to it.

Sporadic writing and academic angst

Based on some new scheduling (coupled with my increasing desire to not absolutely kill myself working to finish this degree in a matter of weeks, and a need to protect what little remains of my sanity by doing at least a few things that I really enjoy), I seem to have a bit more time than I thought.  Coupled with a new schedule starting this week, some increased motivation, and hopefully some additional productivity, I’m hoping that I can find some more time to write here, even if it is somewhat more intermittently) and to read some more of the blogs that I haven’t had as much time to get to over the last week and change.

The truth is that six years into this degree I’m ready to move onto something new.  Really ready.  Really, really ready, even.  Now, don’t get me wrong – I still find my topic interesting, and I do enjoy the work itself. I still think it’s important, and worth doing, and getting a day’s worth of work done feels really, really good.

But I also feel an incredible pull to start working on other things and new ideas that more closely reflect my interests.  In part, I think this is why it’s been so easy to spend time here and on reading other blogs than it has been to work on the dissertation.  A lot of my interests these days have to do with living more sustainably.  I’m trying to make my life more sustainable, and spending a lot of time looking into how other people are doing this as well.  Given this focus and my huge degree of interest in it, I’d really like to find some ways to start integrating my values and ideals with my approach to academic work.  I imagine this could take awhile, especially as I keep working to finish in the next few months while still managing all of my other work, but it’s a challenge that I not only this is important, but also one that I’m looking forward to.

 

Slow time

Not that a lot of people are reading here, but I still feel the need to note that I have a lot of work on the go right now, mainly finishing up the dissertation.  With the amount of work that I’m doing, and especially the volume of writing, posting will probably be a bit light around here while I get this rather important job done.

I still have a lot to say here, it’s just a case of setting priorities, something that I’m not always that fantastic about.  So I’ll be writing when I can, taking a break when I need it, and storing away the things that I have to say until I have the time to get them out in the way that I want.

Labour

“We must not only become reliable, progressive, skillful and intelligent, but we must keep the idea constantly before our youths that all forms of labor, whether with the hand or head, are honorable.”

Booker T. Washington

After a long discussion with The Boy over lunch today that covered everything from how different types of labour are valued through to anti-intellectualism, I was glad to stumble across this quote, first because I think it can be an easy thing to forget, especially in this modern society, and second because it’s  a solid reminder of the fact that I need to better incorporate different forms of labour in my own life.

I’m an academic.  I spend a whole lot of time in my head reading, writing, and thinking. I certainly think there’s value here in thinking about the world and asking questions about different elements of culture and society.  There’s also value in teaching about it, and helping students to develop critical thinking skills so that they can better engage with their world.

There’s equal value in other forms of labour too, though.  Over the last few years I’ve found that I’m increasingly dissatisfied with living life mostly in my head, wrapped safely in the spires of the so-called Ivory Tower. And so, I’ve looked for other ways that I can engage in labour, even when they’re relatively small compared to the academic side of my life.  And I’ve found, happily, that ensuring that academic life is coupled with more tangible forms of labour makes for a great deal more balance in my life, and also what feels to be more productivity.

Carrying heavy loads from rice to soil home, planting seedlings, hanging laundry, and digging in the yard or at the community garden are all forms of labour. I find they help to ground me, reminding me of the basis of daily life and to not get too caught up in my head or my work.  I’m also aware that they’re productive in very different ways.  Hauling, planting, and digging are all productive in very concrete ways – I wind up with more materials at home, and more things growing outside.  In academic work, at most I wind up with a conference presentation or a journal article, which are material only because they’re sometimes (and these days, very rarely) printed on paper.  While both can be satisfying in their own ways, there’s certainly something to be said for the value in seeing the real, material, tangible results of labour.

These are by no means the complete basics of everyday life.  To provide completely for myself would require labour that I doubt I can even begin to fathom, and that I imagine would take me away from most if not all of my academic endeavours, which is a trade that I’m not yet willing to make.  I also realise that I am in a privileged position – for now, anyway, I get to work at a job that I enjoy, and only take on other aspects of labour by choice, based on what I want to do and not on what is necessary for my survival.  But these small acts, a movement towards forms of labour other than the immaterial, the digital, and the ephemeral, help to ensure that I don’t get too lost in my head for too long, and bring me back to everyday life in a way that becomes more valuable and necessary all the time, both for practical and more personal reasons.