Happily…

The trap

For the last two months or so I haven’t been feeling all that happy.  Not that I’ve necessarily been feeling unhappy, just more that I’ve been feeling pretty down – tired, not a lot of energy, and like I don’t really want to do all that much.  I think finishing the dissertation, getting behind on a lot of things as a result, not yet having a new direction, the uncertainty of academic life right now, and the need to do a whole bunch of work all at once contributed to this feeling.  As is probably obvious, it wasn’t (isn’t?) that pleasant, and I’ve been trying to figure out how to feel better.  Right now, I’m slowly working my way back to feeling a bit more like a human being again, and trying to do so in very slow, healthy ways.

The thing is, when I was feeling down and out and not so good, I fell into a bit of a trap.  You know when you know that something’s not really right for you, or something that you really don’t want to do, but you do it anyway because it makes you feel better for a little while?  Yeah…I went shopping.  I don’t even like shopping that much, and condemn recreational shopping pretty regularly as a threat to the environment, budgets, and all kinds of other things.  But I was guilty of it too, these last few weeks.  Two weeks with the car translated to a lot of purchases, as evidenced in my recent Independence Days post.  A brand new kettle, blender, and baking supplies.  Even more new-to-me kitchen goodies, clothing, books, tools, and even a TV.

I do go to the thrift stores rather regularly anyway.  They’re fairly close, and I have it in my head that making use of an inexpensive supply of whatever good quality goods I can find on which to stock up is a good idea right now.  I always have my eye out for warm and dry clothing, handy kitchen gadgets, wool blankets, tools, and useful or interesting books to add to my library.  With the immanent expiration of my bus pass, I’ve been going more often than I normally would this last month.  Since getting there will now be more difficult, I’ve been heading out with list in hand to look for a few things I wanted before my transportation becomes somewhat more limited.  These last few weeks, though?  Well, let’s just say that I’ve been out and shopping an awful lot relative even to my more frequent loss-of-buss-pass shopping habits.

All told, I suppose didn’t really spend that much.  $200 is very likely an overestimate, and I have the money.  I also didn’t stray that far from items that I’d normally be looking for.  I largely bought things that will help me grow, cook, and preserve food, or entertain myself inexpensively at home.

But at the same time, I was aware that I was shopping for distraction and perhaps even to try to make myself feel a bit better, rather than just looking for things that would be useful.  While I don’t know that shopping has ever left me feeling sexier, more attractive, or any of those other feelings highlighted in a typical ad, it does leave me feeling a bit more prepared and confident, which is equally compelling, if not moreso.

Tools and books don’t lead to knowledge on their own by any stretch of the equation, but shopping these past few weeks seems to have left me feeling a bit more reassured, at least for a little while.  Buying things – and especially buying used things inexpensively – means that I can have nicer things that I could likely afford new.  It also lets me feel like I can take care of the two of us, even when we make very little money.  When I’m not feeling great, it’s also kind of fun seeing what kind of bargains I can find, and what cool things I can make my way home with.  I’ve been known to justify it, too, not only as a way of stocking up on things we might just need some day, but also as a somewhat environmentally sound practice, and one that helps to support charities.

I’m not especially proud of the shopping of the last few weeks, but I suppose it is what it is.  I have things that I’ll use – crocks for fermenting, an ice cream ball for making desserts, engaging books for quiet summer afternoons, and warm clothing for when winter comes again.  And now – after a few days of healthier eating, long nights of sleep, walks in the sun, and some serious rest – I’m feeling better.  Not great, but better enough that it seems I’m not quite so susceptible to falling into the trap of recreational consumption just for the sake of it.

Independence Days

Between having a loaner car for two weeks and my bus pass expiring at the end of the month, I’ve been hitting up the thrift stores a bit more often than I normally would. Truthfully, over the last few weeks I’ve bought a lot – partly with “want not” in mind, but also partly for other reasons, that I’ll probably try to write a bit about soon.  I even bought some new things, which is so rare that I don’t think I can remember the last time it happened.  We picked up two new baking sheets for cookies, pizza, scones, and other oven-related cooking and baking, plus silicon baking mats and muffin cups (to replace our parchment paper and paper cups).  I also bought a new kettle and blender to replace the 10-year old ones that have started to die.  We even bought, in a flight of goodness-knows-what, a new-to-us TV with much better picture and sound quality than the old, somewhat broken one.  We’re not big TV watchers, but it’s wonderful for documentaries.  None of this really has to do with Independence Days, I suppose, but right now I’m very conscious of making home someplace that we really enjoy being, and making a few inexpensive additions seemed worthwhile.

I also bought an assortment of used things.  Now, not all of these things are essential – some of them are just things I happen to like, like a sudden rash of hand-thrown pottery mugs and the complete Centennial edition of Canadian Folk Songs on vinyl, which completely made my day when I found it. Happily, though, I crossed a few things off my long-standing “I’d like to thrift this” list – warm winter boots, a gore-tex jacket, tools, some kitchen goodies like canisters for fermenting and more canning jars, and a whole pile of books that I’ve had my eye out for that I plan to read through during some hopefully lazy summer days.  Shopping took precedence over some other things, but with a fresh stock of entertainments, tools, and other useful things to work with, I’m okay with that, and will be spending even more time at home now that my transportation will soon be a bit more limited.

Plant something

• New batch of kombucha

Harvest something

• More chives

Preserve something

• Nope

Waste not

• Thrift store acquisitions: ice cream ball, potato chopper, measuring cups and spoons, glass pitcher, Weck jar, handknit wool sweater, two mugs, eight souvenir glasses for planting herbs, two handmade pottery mugs, nine records, two dozen canning jars, a salad spinner, four small pottery crock-like containers, watering can, screw driver, wooden crate, yoga strap, and 26 books (37 if your count the multi-volume books as multiple books – four memoirs (food and farm related), 12 novels, 3 multi-volume compendiums, and 10 reference books)
• Lots more food scraps given to the worms
• Started saving newspaper for someone from Food Not Lawns

Want not

• Stocked up on potatoes, onions, tomato sauce, and a whole pile of other staples
• Added a whole lot of books to my library
• Bought two shovels, a rake, and a hoe from someone on kijiji for $10 (they’re not great, but I’m trying to start inexpensively before spending the big money on the tools I’m eying from Lee Valley)

Eat the food

• Homemade pizza, frittata, fries, scones, cookies, pasta, burritos, and enchiladas
• Working on sorting through our food stores again to figure out what we have, how to use it, and how to organize things better
• Trying new recipes (and sitting down with cookbooks to find new recipes to try)

Build community food systems

• Attended another Food Not Lawns meeting
• Toured the local food co-op, which I think we’ll join towards the end of farmers’ market season

Skill up

• Not much that I can think of here, either – just focusing a bit more on cooking and baking and getting some new recipes under my belt (especially for some of the things that we’ve been buying recently)

Get healthy

• Lots of walking, especially down a new trail I’ve just found
• Eating better – a lot more fruit, veggies, and homemade food than I’ve been eating recently
• Trying to sneak in some extra sleep and mid-day rest

Beyond stocking up with the car, my focus for the last two weeks has really been to finish up the semester, and then to have some downtime.  I haven’t been feeling well at all, and now that much of my work is mostly done I’m trying to take a bit of time off, and to take things a bit easier.  This means more walk and sleep, lots of healthy food, and even some time catching up on my reading.  I do have some more work to do soon, but I’ve been enjoying this time to recover from the semester a bit before launching into a summer that I hope will involve some good professional work, but also more time working a bit more on sustainability and Independence Days.

Buying for a village

I’m not a huge fan of consumerism.  But these days I find myself buying more than I ever thought I would.  Almost every week I accumulate more things.  I notice this most when I review for Independence Days, and I see that I keep bringing in books, jars, containers, kitchen gadgets, yarn, clothing, and now, tools.  I also have a wish list as long as my arm that include garden tools, drying rack, pressure canner, grain mill, dehydrator, water filter, camp stove, and sun oven.  Some of these I can certainly make myself, and I’m looking into options, but they also require parts that need to be purchased.

Although I don’t spend a lot of time out and about shopping, this focus on consumption feels really odd to me. I’ve always been a fairly prolific thrift shopper, and have had more than I probably need in terms of clothes and books (especially when I was able to get things cheaply).  Recently, though, I’ve not only been buying more, but I’ve been seriously considering quite a few larger purchases, both in terms of size and cost.

I feel that if I have the resources to make these purchases, I should use them while I still can.  I’m still saving as much as possible towards getting some land.  This is feeling like an increasingly pressing concern, but I’m not yet sure where or how given that my job status is somewhat up in the air and that we’re not exactly settled.  That said, I’d like to get some property sooner rather than later, and so I’m keeping that in the back of my mind.  But land aside, I also feel as though I should be making some purchases of tools that will hopefully help to make life a bit more sustainable and a bit more secure.

The real driving force is that I don’t just want this for me.  I see what I’m doing as acquiring tools and resources at least for my family, if not for a village (as it were).  My parents don’t really share many of my concerns, and my mother actively seeks to get rid of as much as possible.  My husband is more understanding of my concerns, although doesn’t necessarily share all of them, or have them to the same degree that I do.  So when I buy books, or canning jars, tools, or a pressure canner, I feel like I’m doing that not just for me, but for them as well, knowing that they aren’t taking any steps on their own and that one of the most important things I can do is help to take care of them as best I can.

I don’t think stuff is going to save us, and certainly not on its own.  I think we need community and knowledge as much as, if not more than, we need stuff.  But tools can help a lot, and good quality tools can be shared and used to do a lot of good for quite a few people.  While there are certainly times when I just want to save every bit of money I possibly can – more on my problems with spending money later, because that’s a super-fun topic – it seems to me that if I have the resources to buy tools that may prove to be helpful to a range of people, that it might just be worth spending a bit of money after all, and taking up the space in my apartment to house them.

At the same time, I also see these purchases as a way to become more self-sufficient and to save money.  A well-made drying rack may be $100, but will save me $2 a load, plus the environmental costs of electric dryers.  A pressure canner may be $300, but if I can buy and can food when it’s inexpensive and have easy meals ready to go, that can save a lot of money at dinner time.  Seeds and gardening tools aren’t that cheap either, especially for quality, but it open up new opportunities for feeding ourselves and cutting down on grocery bills.  And, the more money I save, the more there will be left to purchase more tools, or just to help others.  While I want to do as much as possible for myself, I also want to be sure that I can take care of those I care about the most and help to foster the community and resilience that I imagine will become even more important in the future.

Independence Days

This week, I had a loaner car.  While the price of gas makes me cringe and I detest burning fossil fuels to drive just me around, we did make good use of vehicle access to drop off donations and stock up on a bunch of things that are otherwise a lot less accessible.  Since we’ll have it for another week, I’m also hoping to stock up on groceries including big bags of locally milled flour, do a trial shop at the food co-op, and pick up some bigger tools and other things that I’ve had my eye on.  They key, I think, will be to keep the spending in check as I’m tempted to pick up many of the things that I’ve had my eye on for awhile now.

Plant something

• Peas and more rhubarb

Harvest something

• Nope

Preserve something

• Nope

Waste not

• Thrift store acquisitions: glass jug (for kombucha), small teapot (to serve as a neti pot), 1 litre flip-top le parfait jar, two resource books, one novel
• Dropped off five bags of thrift store donations
• Still feeding my rapidly-multiplying worms

Want not

• Out of a generous donation to Food Not Lawns, picked up some more seeds including beets, spinach, zucchini, squash, salsify, peppers, carrots, kale, and collards
• Stocked up on sale olive oil and toilet paper
• In a somewhat impulse buy, picked up four silicon baking sheets (new) for $3 each
• Bought (used) reference books including Killer Pies, Vogue Knitting, Garden Kalendar, Dark Age Ahead, and The Herbal Drugstore
• Added a collection of H.G. Wells stories and Outlander to the fiction shelf
• Was given a trowel and cultivator
• Bought a very warm pair of heavy-duty, well-treaded winter boots

Eat the food

• Homemade bread, pasta, and pizza

Build community food systems

• More time with Food Not Lawns

Skill up

• A good deal of research on well-made, long-lasting tools (which it seems are, of course, also the very expensive ones)

Get healthy

• Mostly walking this week (haven’t been doing as much as usual)
• Daily kombucha
• Working on getting back to daily green smoothies with lots of fruits and veggies

In addition to these things, I seem to have found a nearby supply of wild garlic, and possibly some wild apple and pear trees  I’m hoping I’m right so I can do a bit more foraging this year.  I have crabapple jelly on my mind  There also seems to be an abundance of violets, and I’m looking into their medicinal properties on the urging of a friend.

Independence Days

Because of an early-in-the-week decision-making process, everything got pushed back and slowed down (I am a truly terrible decision maker of the stewing, moaning, debating, and hand-wringing variety).  After a night or two of not sleeping well, it took a good deal of time and effort to get through the rest of the week.  This, coupled with a whole bunch of assignments and grading this week, meant that a lot simply got pushed aside for a few days.

Plant something

• New batch of kombucha
• New sourdough starter made with whole grain flour

Harvest something

• Some chives – the plant seems to have regrown itself with no help from me

Preserve something

• Nope

Waste not

• Thrift store acquisitions: six novels and two reference books
• More scraps going to feed the worms on a regular basis
• Was given a divided laundry basket by a friend (I’m thinking divided recycling bin, maybe)

Want not

• Stocked up on 16 pounds of split yellow peas
• Bought extra on-sale dish soap
• Bought the excellent The Up-With-Wholesome, Down-With-Store-Bought Book of Recipes and Household Formulas and Farmer’s Bounty, which seems to be very academic, but looks at crop and seed diversity
• Added five Vonnegut and one Steinbeck novel to my library

Eat the food

• Homemade bread and bagels, chickpea curry, granola, pizza (x2), pasta, and Mexican
• Sorted through stored food, got rid of anything that was spoiling, and started rearranging the rest for better organization and efficiency

Build community food systems

• Nothing this week

Skill up

• Not much that I can think of here, either

Get healthy

• Lots of walking, lots of biking, lots of yoga (but not nearly enough sleep)

From a financial standpoint, this last week I also agreed to a few extra jobs later this month and next to build up my savings further and maybe enable a few extra purchases (basically, I’m going to be proctoring a whole lot of exams in the near future, none of them for my own class).  It’s not a huge amount of money, but there are still purchases that I want to make and I’m feeling more driven towards figuring out how to get some land, and so I’m trying to generate as much extra income as I can while I have a bit of time and the inclination to do so.

A good day

Monday was my 32nd birthday.  Thanks to a somewhat difficult decision that was suddenly sprung on me and that had to be made quickly (and that I didn’t particularly want to make) plus teaching in the afternoon, the whole day was not so great and really a bit of a write-off.

Today, though, was a good day.  A very good day, even.  This afternoon, J. and I went to the other end of the city, paperwork in hand, and signed off on the final documents that give him permanent resident status in Canada.  Afterwards, we went for a celebratory sushi dinner and stuffed ourselves silly.   Although I’m not really one for birthdays and their accompanying celebrations – I prefer much quieter days of reflection – I decided that today was my birthday re-do.  Getting my husband residency and knowing that he gets to stay here with me was the best birthday gift I have ever received, and I am hugely, hugely grateful.